The Father and I are at loggerheads.
I am illegally depriving him of his right to have a relationship with his child. They have found a way to love each other despite the barriers that I have put in their way, but the fact remains that I am the Enemy, and The Father is ready and willing to go to war against my Campaign of Evil, if only so that when Felicity is fully grown, she will know how much her Daddy loved her. So he's called in the lawyers.
Cripes.
Given all this, you might think I’m one of those women who uses my child as a weapon to punish my errant ex. That I’ve prevented him from seeing her, while I filled her innocent young head with stories of how Daddy is A Very Bad Man.
Except, here’s the thing: Flea has seen The Father every week since we split up. Except for the 26 occasions when he’s cancelled visits, because he couldn’t afford the train fare, or had some important work on.
I’m not entirely surprised by any of this. When we split up, I wrote to The Father to say he could see Flea whenever he wanted, and I’d never allow any disagreement we might have to impact on their relationship. His response? Was to join one of those support groups for men – you know, the ones who dress up as Spiderman, and complain about their evil ex-partners.
The Father’s current issue is that he doesn’t have overnight visits with Flea. He lives 150 miles away. He’s bankrupt. He can’t drive. He’s being threatened with eviction from his rented house, which he shares with his brother. Flea’s Daddy has apparently told her some very funny “secret” stories about this brother, including the one about the time Uncle P had too much to drink and smashed the front door in, or the time Uncle P fell asleep in the day time and set the house on fire.
You know? For all sorts of reasons, I’m not happy for my just four-year-old daughter to go and sleep in that house. So I asked The Father either to wait until she’s a little older, or to make good on his repeated promises to move to live nearer to us. In the meantime, there's no issue with contact, and let's discuss it again in 10 months when Flea turns five, or sooner if he gets around to moving – shouldn't be too long to wait if he's being evicted, surely?
He's always agreed with this, but this month, his response was to say that he realises I have no intention of ever letting him be a part of his child's life and he therefore has no alternative but to seek legal advice, and go to court. Oh, and he’s not going to be paying any of that pesky child support either, since I just fritter it on bills rather than spending it on "the child". I'm sure, though, there's no connection between those two decisions. Obviously.
Holy Jesus.
It's really, really hard to accept that sometimes it doesn't matter how reasonable you try to be, or how hard you try and justify your decisions – you can't persuade everyone to share your point of view. Especially when you're like me, and an argumentative git by nature. It's terribly character building, this whole divorce business, isn't it?
I'd love to be one of those divorced couples you see on on TV, where it's all shared Christmas dinners, and attending each others weddings. But I just don't think it's going to happen while my ex's nickname for me is "the c***".
That must be such a stressful situation.
Some days more than others, to be honest. It helps me just to write it down and remember that I am a sane, rational adult, and I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings or choices.
Ooh, how very Oprah of me…
How shitty.
It sounds as if, if he gets lawyers involved, the law would be much more likely to be on your side though…
I’m sorry to ear that you’ve been going trough that.
However bad the situation seems, I don’t think the law will be on his side.
You know when she gets older she will appreciate everything you have done for her.
It’s tough, because as much as you want her to know her Dad you know he doesn’t deserve her and as much as you wish you didn’t have to share her, you always will.
Take care
How horrid for you, but how well you seem to deal with the crap.
Oh honey – how hideous for you. Deep breaths. Let’s hope he comes to his senses. I’m sure the solicitors will see that it’s you, rather than him, who’s in the right. x
Trashed doors? House on fire? Sorry, but he has to be completely drunk himself to think that any mother, no matter often he calls her a c***, would allow her child to stay in such an environment. The whole thing doesn’t sound like he’s standing any chance in court. But still, this must be all so nerve wracking and annoying.
I have been married before, without children. Thank God for that!
This sounds really tricky. I can imagine you’d love to ignore him but can’t for Flea’s sake. Sounds like all you can do is carry on with what you’re already doing, I can’t see how any legal team could find fault with that. Good luck x
Hugs xx
Thanks everyone for your comments.
As a rule, I try not to rock the boat, and I am careful what I say about my ex in public, because I want Flea to make up her own mind about her Dad, based on her relationship with him, not mine.
But it’s still really hard when you see your child getting less than she deserves – financially, emotionally, physically – from someone who is just acting out because of his anger with me.
I’m working on it – but I think we’ve a way to go yet.
I am so sorry about this. My parents were divorced and my mum acted like a crazy person all the time (I lived with my dad) and it was very hard to bear but my dad took the high road and didn’t say anything bad about her, even though he must have wanted to, and made sure I was able to see her even when it was hard for him. He did not, though, protect me from her looniness as much as he probably should have done and you are definitely doing that for Flea.
She will DEFINITELY remember what you have done and be thankful for it, and there is no doubt the law will be on your side. Keep careful documentation of everything and take deep breaths.
Hugs
Mothership xo
Ugh, what an awful situation to be in, it must be horrible for you. If he’s joined Fathers4Justice you are doubly screwed — they are raging misogynists who can’t take an ounce of blame themselves so have to turn their vitriol on their children’s mother. It’s ugly, really. I also love that whole “She doesn’t spend money on the child, just on petty things like rent/mortgage, heating, electricity and food.” WTF?!
Again, I’m really sorry and I wish you strength and clarity as you deal with this guy.
Sounds like you have the right attitude. It must be so hard, when you just feel like spitting right back, but if you can rise above it all, consistently, you will be rewarded for it in the end. Big hugs. xx
As you say, those two decisions do seem remarkably coincidental… Would love to have wise words to impart but I’m clueless. However you seem to have done an amazing job of taking the high road and in the end that’s what Flea will remember.
Also, am trying to reinvent your 4 letter nickname. I have so far come up with ‘the cult’, ‘the cute’, ‘the card’. I’ll keep thinking….
Yikes. Not easy to say the least. Hope it gets better. Soon.
Just found you through Twitter and Mumsrock day, and really enjoying the blog.
He calls the mother of his child a..what? Seriously? Just what message, exactly, does he think this is sending out to his female child?
Wishing you patience, because what I’d do in your situation with strength does not bear thinking about.
Thanks everyone – Dawn, you missed “COOL”. An oversight, I’m sure
Thanks to everyone for your comments, they are truly appreciated. Sometimes it’s so dizzying trying to keep yourself centred when accusations are constantly thrown at you. So it’s nice to hear other sane voices!
Damn it – yes! And of course ‘the curb’ – a bit like ‘the edge’ but better.