The universe loves balance, doesn’t it? For every rainbow, there’s a raindrop. For every triumph, there’s that time you fall flat on your face.
And for every time you’re happy to be a hoarder who has all your journals from the age of 7 to 21, there’s that time your daughter discovers this…
My diary from the year I turned 14.
It turns out that my diary, meticulously covered in pictures cut out of Smash Hits magazine, is a treasure trove of embarrassment.
Like – I kept a list of EVERY boy I met that year and what I remembered about them. You should know before you judge me that I went to an all-girls’ school. Clearly, meeting an actual boy in real life that I wasn’t related to? BIG news.
Oh, and do you remember doing this? The inside cover of my diary is plastered with repeated attempts to demonstrate that Malcolm was in fact, my true love.
He really wasn’t.
1988 me also regularly wrote Q&A interviews with herself. This meant I got to tell myself all about my future ambitions (save the ozone) and favourite foods (Marmite and cucumber).
But perhaps the highlight (and I use the term loosely) was this:
My top ten crushes. Or *cough* “happening” men.
It turns out that 14-year-old me had some entirely questionable tastes. Please make me feel better and tell me you were just as weird in your teen crush choices? Please?
So, on my top ten list we had:
I sort of stand by this one. Dennis Quaid has aged pretty well. On balance, I think I still would.
It took me a couple of minutes to work this one out, but apparently The Edge from U2 made second place on my top ten list that year. Um, I’m not sure why. Maybe the hat?
Also – obviously I felt like we were close enough that I could call him by his “real” name.
Malcolm the Mountie
Apparently, 14-year-old me was all a fluster at the thought of Tony Slattery dressed as a mountie. Literally, I can only put this down to my being at a girls school and having limited access to actual men to crush on.
Maybe it was the red wool coat? The baggy trousers? Whatever. Flea has found the old commercial on YouTube and keeps singing it at me. I don’t blame her.
Michael J Jackson
If you’re thinking I had a crush on Jacko, you’re wrong.
Actually, I went through a bit of a phase of liking men with red hair – I remember Clive from Neighbours, but before that there was an English actor called Michael J Jackson, who looked like this. WHAT WAS I THINKING??
I think this chap ended up in Emmerdale but at the time he was in a show about an English spy in World War 2 and I was a bit obsessed.
I remember I was obsessed with Deacon Blue. Actually, I say was. I did just sign up for the Ricky Ross fan club newsletter so I could get access to the pre-sale for the Deacon Blue reunion tour next year. Not even sorry.
Now I think about it, 1988 was the first year I ever went to a concert, and it was to see Deacon Blue.
Before the days of NCIS, Mark Harmon starred in Moonlighting (which I loved) and a film called The Presidio, which I was obsessed with. It was a VERY 80s movie and me and my friend Sophie saw it twice at the local Odeon. I seem to remember Mark Harmon and Meg Ryan got frisky on the bonnet of a sports car.
Remember when you went to see Cocktail, and everyone thought Tom Cruise was so dreamy? I fancied the other guy.
I’m not sure if I was just being contrary, or whether I genuinely thought a receding hairline and Aussie accent was hot.
Let’s hope it was the former.
Before he became a racist, right-wing buffoon he was in Lethal Weapon and I loved him and his mullet. A mullet! Oh, the shame. Try explaining to your kids that Mel Gibson used to be a bona fide heart throb.
Not embarrassed by this.
Lost Boys totally stands the test of time and when he does that whole, “I’m your brother, Sammy, help me!” I would still TOTALLY open that window to my vampire sibling. In other news, I can still recite that whole scene from memory.
So good he made my list twice, apparently. But it looks as though I was prepared to switch him out with Bono, if needed. Bono. Cause that’d be a fun-filled evening, naturally.
OK, help me out friends. Please tell me that you had teen crushes that were more embarrassing than these…