Social media has brought many wonderful things into the world. But one of the worst is that it’s never been easier for people to get the wrong end of the stick.
Have you ever commented on something and had someone totally misunderstand you online? Or how about a Facebook post that you thought was hilarious, but it offended your colleague or friend? It’s happened to me a few times – and I’ve been on both sides of the fence. Sometimes I’m offended. Other times I’m doing the offending.
Sometimes misunderstandings are frustrating – but they can also ruin friendships and do real damage. So I wanted to understand why it’s so common (and so easy) for this to happen. What makes it so easy to misread content online? And how do we make our words – and intentions – clearer?
We are not very good at reading
If you want to understand why online content is so hard to understand, you need to know that we – human beings – are notoriously bad at reading stuff and understanding it. Especially when it comes to understanding the emotional intent of online content.
One study showed that when we share something online, we think that 90% of people will understand our intent – but the actual figure is closer to 50%. So literally half the time we post stuff, people don’t really understand what we’re getting at. That’s a HUGE gap between how effective we think our online communication is, and the reality.
So why people misunderstand you online so much of the time? And what can we do about it?
1. Online content has no visual cues
One obvious reason why online content can easily be misread is that social media strips out a lot of context that we’d have in a regular conversation.
When we send an email or post an update, the reader can’t see our expression, or hear our tone of voice. There are no gestures, no body language or eye contact. It’s incredibly easy to miss something that would be obvious if someone was to say the same thing in person.
The science of this is known as the removal of ‘paralingual communication’ and studies show that you can say the EXACT same thing in a text or in person, and get a totally different reaction. Something that sounds hostile or critical in a social media post might be less threatening, or more understandable, when said in ‘real life’.
2. We notice things that match our emotional state
Human brains are very efficient – when we read any sort of content online, our brain doesn’t just read the words and do all that processing from scratch. Actually, the brain takes various short cuts to help us process information quickly – one of which is known as ‘mood-congruent processing.
This is a fancy pants term that means if we get information that matches how we’re feeling, we notice it more. And if we see information that contradicts that emotional state, we’re liable to overlook it.
So if I’m angry and I read a text, I’m more likely to notice the parts that make me feel angry, and overlook things that might make me feel differently. Or if I’m feeling insecure in my job, I might read that email from my boss as being sarcastic and critical, when on a better day, it would seem neutral.
This is why when your mother told you to ‘sleep on it’ she was 100% right. When you’re feeling calm and positive, that message or post might not cause anything like the same emotional reaction.
3. We read what we expect to see
A related psychological factor at play when we’re online is confirmation bias. If someone sends you a Facebook post and says it’s offensive, guess what? You’re probably gonna be offended.
If we’re told that a post is snarky and our bestie is soooo upset, then our brain activates networks associated with negative concepts – and we’re unconsciously looking for evidence to support that initial interpretation we were provided. When we understand how this process works, it’s not hard to see how you might misinterpret something that could actually be ironic, or ambiguous, or nuanced.
I used to have a friend who would regularly see posts that she thought were being snarky about me – and send them to me with a supportive “OMG look what that witch said about you!” type message.
Lo and behold, I’d immediately go and read those posts and be upset and offended. But at least 50% of the time, if I went back and read the same posts weeks later, I’d wonder what I’d got so upset about.
4. Sometimes it’s all too much
When we’re reading something that evokes strong feelings, our brain is coping with a heavy cognitive load. Strong emotions use up lots of mental resources – this is called ’emotional interference’ and it makes our brain less efficient at processing and understanding information. When we are feeling strongly about something we’ve read, there is literally less capacity for balanced or nuanced understanding. When we’re calm, we’re far better at engaging in deliberative, analytical thinking.
5. We assume it’s about us
There’s a very common cognitive distortion called ‘personalisation‘ – which means we assume that when someone else expresses negative emotions or language, we assume it’s our fault, or directed at us – even when there is no logical connection. Many of us actually have this as a default setting – if something is ambiguous, we will analyse it through a self-critical lens.
So a friend says: “I’m struggling with my anxiety just now, I can’t be at big parties.”
But what we hear is: “You shouldn’t have invited me to this party, you’re an inconsiderate friend.”
Or you say: “Wow, I’m so busy at work just now, I can’t imagine how I’ll finish this project in time!”
But your colleague hears: “You should have helped me more, and sent me this project earlier. This is your fault.”
It’s not logical. It’s not helpful. But it happens ALL the time.
How to avoid online miscommunication
I think a helpful starting point to reducing miscommunication is to remember that 50% of people may misinterpret our intentions online. That means we have to be more careful both in the content we share online -and the content we consume. Here are some tips you might find helpful:
- When communicating online, we need to take ADDITIONAL steps to make up for the absence of body language and tone of voice. Consider using GIFs, emojis or memes to convey humour or emotion. If that’s not appropriate, be extra careful with your words.
- Don’t assume a joke or lighthearted tone in your head is going to translate to the screen.
- Can you read your words over again before sending that message – and imagine how other people might interpret it in ways you didn’t intend? (This has been a BIG learning for me in recent years).
- If we read something that makes us angry, remember that feelings are not facts. You feel angry, and that means you might not be doing a great job of understanding what you read. So … wait. Go back the next day, or the day after. Does that message still seem aggressive? Or do you now view it differently?
- If we read something that we think is directed at us, we can take a step back. Read the post the next day. Can you be certain it’s about you? Does it say so explicitly? Do you need more information to make a decision? Perhaps you need to ask questions before deciding on a move to defensive DEFCON 1?
- When taking something personally, consider this question: “Is this person expressing a negative emotion NEAR me, or ABOUT me?” It’s natural to have a reaction to someone expressing negative emotions, but it’s not necessarily rational to feel attacked or criticised.
- If something you have written has been misinterpreted you could try saying something like, “I’m so sorry you were upset. I can understand how it sounded to you. That wasn’t my intention but I should have chosen my words with more care. Let me explain…” You might be being unfairly accused of doing x or y and that isn’t your fault, but remember the person responding genuinely believes that you’ve hurt them, and will feel entitled to be upset.
- Finally, think about your own default settings. If you frequently get upset reading online messages, or tend to assume that posts are directed at you, then recognising your mental pattern is the first step in addressing it. Techniques like cognitive restructuring and mindfulness practices can help you to pause and question your automatic interpretations.
