How does family estrangement start?
If you’ve blogged for more than about, ooh, five minutes, chances are you’ve offended someone with your blog.
Me too, friends, me too.
Except in my case I really, really offended someone with my blog. It’s pretty bad. So bad that I haven’t had any contact with a big chunk of my adopted family for the best part of a year.
If you’re wondering what the HELL happened, well, you’re not the only one.
Where it Started
As best as I can understand, I wrote a blog post that someone in the family thought was about them. They thought I’d written something that eviscerated them in a public forum.
Me? I thought I’d written a blog post about myself, and about families in general.
Obviously, I’m massively self-involved so the post included quite a bit about my feelings. Specifically I shared how I sometimes find it hard to be around my family when I feel like a failure – like when I’m the only one without a job, a husband and a handle on this parenting lark.
That’s very much about my insecurities, not a suggestion that my family regularly get together to hold, “Why is Sally such a loser?” meetings. I also said that my family is brilliant and supportive but – like most families – they’re not afraid to tell me when I’m being an idiot.
I hoped it would be the sort of thing anyone with family would relate to. My relative interpreted it as me calling their family out for being judgmental.
There’s no point saying, “That’s not what I meant!” or “It wasn’t about you!” What matters is that someone was hurt, and I should have been careful, and expressed myself more clearly. That’s on me.
Faced with a furious relative, I was horrified. I tried to explain it was a misunderstanding, I was so sorry, I changed the post right away. My relative sent a couple of irate messages, culminating in them telling me that they were were furious that I could be so disrespectful to their family, especially considering they had always been nothing but kind to me.
And So It Ends
And that was it. End of story.
That part of the family simply hasn’t spoken to me since. They sent Christmas presents via a third party. We don’t know if they received the gifts my daughter chose and wrapped for them, that we delivered to their house. I sent flowers and a letter later, apologising again. Nothing.
It’s hard to keep trying. It’s hard to keep thinking of thoughtful gestures for people who think you’re a worthless piece of trash. But if you stop trying, well, you’re just confirming what they think of you. Or that’s what I thought.
There comes a point where you have to draw a line, for your own mental health. Just because someone decides you’re worthless to THEM, that doesn’t make you worthless. Sometimes you just have to draw a line and say, our family isn’t what it was before. That version of us is gone. It’s done. I’m done. And hey presto, you’re estranged.
The charity Stand Alone estimates that at any given time, one in five British families have someone who is estranged from another family member. Additionally, one in 10 mothers is said to be estranged from at least one of their adult children. I suspect the figures are even higher in the case of families where children are adopted.
Why is Family Estrangement a Secret?
When this all kicked off, I felt guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. I must be a truly awful person to have half my family cut me off, without a word. It hit every sore spot I have around being adopted. Look at me – my birth parents didn’t want me, my marriage failed, and now my adoptive family don’t even want me, if they ever did. WOW, I must be a crappy person.
But actually, the more I talk to people, the more I realise how common these splits are. In all sorts of families. And actually, I’ve seen it first hand. When I was younger, I was friends with a woman, who was divorced, then remarried. Her new mother-in-law didn’t speak to her for years. This was a good, decent, amazing woman most sane people would be THRILLED to have in their family.
Family estrangements are common, I think. But they’re also tough.
I obviously can’t speak for anyone else in my family, but I know it’s been hard for me and Flea. She’s lost contact with most of her extended family in one fell swoop, for an issue that’s nothing to do with her.
My parents (who are remaining resolutely neutral and ignoring the situation in the most British way you can imagine) have lost the joy of having all their children and grandchildren around them on special occasions. And I’ve lost a huge chunk of family, including my only surviving sibling. We’re having to adjust to being a smaller family than we were before, and I’m counting down the days until we can move, and I don’t need to worry about who I’ll bump into in the supermarket.
It’s a Long Road
Lucky for me, I have great friends and parents who are supportive (and know that I can be thoughtless, but rarely malicious). I’m so grateful to have people in my life who let me make mistakes and still want me around.
I do think about what will happen in the years to come. Quite apart from the immediate dispute, it’s the sadness down the line that compounds estrangements. I cried when I had to rewrite my will and appoint new executors and guardians for my girl, because she doesn’t have extended family in her life. Flea won’t have any extended family around when she turns 18, or 21, or gets married.
I can’t pretend that this situation makes sense to me, because it doesn’t. But I can say we should talk about it more. There’s so little insight into why these family estrangements happen, and how they get resolved. Or, if they can’t be resolved, how do we put them into the proper perspective, and move forward?
What I’ve Learned about Family Estrangement
For what it’s worth, I think I’ve learned three things through the process of family estrangement:
- Perhaps some people find it easier to cut off contact with someone rather than deal with a difficult confrontation. That’s especially true if they’re struggling with their own issues. They just might not have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with ANOTHER hard thing. The person struggling might be you, or your relative. It might be both of you.
- It’s hard sometimes to understand what makes someone break off contact with a family member. But what seems like a dramatic reaction to one small event probably isn’t. It’s more likely to be the result of an unhealthy dynamic that’s built up over time, perhaps with unspoken resentments. It makes no sense to me that my family cut me off for a blog post, and so I have to assume there are bigger issues and resentments I didn’t know about.
- You CAN apologise, you CAN try to make amends, but you CAN’T make someone want to be part of your life. What you should do is forgive yourself for making a mistake, learn from it, and use that knowledge to have better relationships with people who do want to be in your life.
- Families are complicated things, because they’re made up of people, and people are weird. We all have triggers and soft spots and are inclined to react poorly to things that hurt us.
- If you have apologised and tried to make amends, then it’s time to forgive yourself. You made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy or have people in your life who will cherish you. And if you can manage it, try to forgive the other party. They might make mistakes too, and they’re probably doing their best to do the right thing, just as you are. Nobody wins if you let yourself be consumed by bitterness.
Be kind to yourself and try to keep an open heart. You never know when it might be possible to have a healthier, happier relationship with your family in the future.
Estranged from your family? These posts might help
If you’re dealing with family estrangement you might find these posts from other bloggers helpful:
Alina: Why I’m Happier now I’m Estranged from my Parents
Erica: Dealing with Grief and the Death of an Estranged Parent
Chloe: Talking to Kids about Family Estrangement
Nigel: The older I get, the more it hurts (sibling estrangement)
Hi sally, My goodness I felt every word of that post, I would love to offer you advice that would be useful, sadly it’s been 3years since I wrote that post, and absolutely nothing has changed, we are probably more estranged than ever. I have accepted that it will never be repaired now.
Like you my greatest sadness is my children should have a wider family with at least 8 cousins, but that will never happen now.
I genuinely hope you can find a way forward to repair the family relationships.
Thank you for the link very kind.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It’s very very hard. Especially when there was no malicious intent on your part.
It’s really difficult when you’re writing something, that you think is neutral and breezy but someone misinterprets what you’ve written as a dig at them.
I hope your situation can be resolved, but to be honest, the parting comment from your family member is really quite rude, and I would find that difficult to forgive.
This post was very timely for me. Not about family, but a close group of friends who are like family for us expats. Without going into details, three weeks ago one of the group was really rude and offensive to me. It’s her character that she’s controlling and we all know that she can never apologise, it’s never her fault. She’s had falling outs in the past with all the group except me and they’ve all managed to move past it. We forgive her because in other ways she’s a wonderful friend. But, after over a decade of friendship, it was finally my turn to ‘get it’. Without any apology or even reference to the events in question, and after three weeks of no contact, we are all invited to hers for dinner tonight. The others encouraged me to go. So I’m going. However, it’s taking me a lot of effort to rise above the hurt and try to reframe our friendship in a way that doesn’t make it ok to be treated in the way I was treated. Losing this group would be a big loss in our lives but I’m also entitled to some respect…… I’m still working on it. And I can’t blog about it because she reads the blog – or maybe I should.)
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The point of my post is to say that a simple apology would make it all go away. And I agree with you that you can’t do more than apologise.
Oh my goodness I know a couple of people like this, and one is my own mum. It is NEVER her fault! I’ve tried writing her a letter to set things straight after a big upset before now but she doesn’t acknowledge it and acts like it never happened. I finally decided she will never understand me, or want o, so I’ve just distanced myself emotionally. Mostly I think it’s a shame for her really, but there’s no way to change her view.
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That seems like a tricky situation but ultimately, yes, I agree that ultimately we need to accept people for who they are (and love them anyway, hopefully). Trying to change someone is just a route to heartache.
Families are difficult. I hope your issues can be resolved as it’s never nice for anyone involved. I was recently estranged from a family member who was more like the sister I never had because I had my ‘story’ put in an online magazine. She just sent me a message that she couldn’t believe I’d done that and didn’t want anything more to do with me. I think I will read through some more of those posts you mentioned. It helps to know you are not the only one.
Oh Anne, that seems unfair, it’s your story to share! It definitely helped me because when my relatives first cut us off, I felt so ashamed as though it must be something really dreadful I’d done that caused it. It was good to realise it’s actually quite common (although sad).
Lots of love Sally x
Thanks love x
This hit a nerve for me as I’ve been estranged from my mother more or less since I was 17 after she kicked me out of home. Although, I didn’t discover the word ‘estranged’ properly until last year. Your last bullet point tang true for me. I apologised and tried everything I could do – despite nothing really being my fault – and in the end I had to walk away and focus on my own relationships, mostly for my children’s sake. It all came to a head last year and I don’t know if there’s a word that means ‘permanently estranged’ but, that’s what we are. I hope your estrangement doesn’t last forever and you end up with all your wider family back in your life.
Oh Donna, that sounds like a really difficult situation, I’m sorry about that. But I think a big thing for me these past few weeks has been accepting what I can and can’t change. And so long as I’m happy that I’ve apologised and made amends, what someone else chooses to do or not do with that is no further reflection on me, if that makes sense.
Beautifully written Sally. I really feel for you and hope the situation is resolved sooner rather than later – you can’t get that time back.
Thanks so much Alex, I appreciate it.
I can completely relate to this and I’m so sorry to read you are going through this too!
I have four siblings and I only really have contact with one sister. To say our relationship is strained is downplaying it. I’ve been gripping on to this relationship for dear life for a while for the sake of my four year old son but am beginning to wonder if this will even do him any good in the long run. So hard to know what to do! Hope you figure it out!
One thing that I’ve asked myself about other toxic relationships (not so much with my sibling) is, “What does my daughter see from watching me remain in this relationship?” If she sees people treating each other badly, or me allowing myself to be treated poorly, or harsh words being spoken, then my personal view is that it’s better for kids not to be around that sort of energy.
What’s been interesting this Christmas is that my daughter herself made the decision to step away from our family because she was unhappy seeing me be treated in ways that she perceived as unfair and unkind. I’m not thrilled that she made that choice, but I told her I respect it, and she’s free to change her opinion at any time, without it being seen as any way disloyal or hurtful to me. That she should make her own decisions about people based on her experience of them, not mine.