Yesterday was Flea’s second parents’ evening of senior school.

I’ve got to be honest. I’d had a good day. The sun was shining and I took some time out, culminating in a 90-minute de-stress treatment at our local spa (HEAVEN). So I was ready to be entertained.

And everyone knows nothing is more entertaining that making your soon-to-be-teen child DIE a thousand deaths of mortification.

So, friends, I present to you – the five faces of parents’ evening. Feel free to create these yourself, by the way. Because let’s face it – parents’ evening can get a bit dull.

Obviously, talking about my gorgeous child for two hours is all well and good, but there’s a lot of standing in line. And small talk. I am TERRIBLE at small talk.

Also, I just feel really sorry for teachers. How many ways are there to tell me that my child really just needs to remember her flippin’ books in the morning? And stop chatting to her mates when she should be working?

To their credit, Flea’s teachers did find multiple ways of saying this. And they also said she’s smart and kind and polite and all the stuff that really matters. So it’s all good.

But my favourite memories of last night won’t be the marks or the compliments or anything like that. It will be the faces I managed to make my child pull by uttering five very simple sentences.

Oh yes.


Face 1: “Is that your boyfriend, then?”  

parents evening


Face 2: “Ooh, that’s your [insert random subject] teacher? He’s hot.” 


Face 3: “Hello Flea’s friend. Your hair looks on fleek.”


Face 4: “Mr K? Didn’t he give you a 3 on your report?”


Face 5: “Oh, I’m so proud of you. Come give me a cuddle.”