Die Toy Maker, Die.

I’m not a violent person, truly I’m not.

I don’t often fantasise about gouging out someone’s eyes with a rusty teaspoon and feeding them to a hoarde of hungry crocodiles.

I don’t often want to dunk someone repeatedly into a vat of honey, and then throw them  into a bee farm.

But, let me tell you, if you’re responsible for THIS:


Then I wish all of the above and more on you.

Oh yes, Buzz glows in the dark does he? Test that claim out, did you? I don’t think you did. Let’s just admit the truth. You just put it on the box just for a laugh. Sicko.

Buzz Lightyear glows in the dark about as much as I do. When I’m wearing black pyjamas and a balaclava*. In other words, Mr Toy-Maker, he DOES NOT GLOW IN THE DARK.  

So there I am, in the middle of a highly inappropriate but relatively pleasing dream about Chris Pine and Robert Pattinson (weird, but true), when I am woken up by the sound of wailing. It’s 3.15am, and my four-year-old child is sobbing inconsolably. Of course, I do what any Mother would do in that situation. I pull the duvet more tightly around me and yell: “Flea, are you okay?”

More sobbing.

Resigned to my fate, I stagger into her bedroom to find Flea sitting bolt upright in bed, crying so hard that the snot and tears are dripping off her chin like raindrops. “Honey, what’s the matter?”

Eventually, after wiping her face on my t-shirt a couple of times, she manages to point to the top of her toy box, and splutter out something along the lines of: “My Bu-u-u-u-u-u-zzz doesn’t glo-o-o-o-o-owww in the daa-a-a-ar-k Mumme-e-e-eeeeee….” 

At this point, it means nothing that Buzz is fully-articulated and interactive, with flashing lights and over 65 individual phrases, spoken in the real Buzz voice. No. All that matters is he doesn't sodding glow in the dark.

Flea was only consoled by me taking her into my bed and spending the next 20 minutes making up a story about Sam the Space Pirate and what happened the day he got shampoo in his eyes.

If you are responsible for this, well, I hope you die a death of a thousand cuts.  

[*I don't wear that regularly, or anything.]


Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

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  1. angelsandurchinsblog
    4th May 2010 / 10:47 am

    Have you held Buzz up to a light? I know, I know, you’ve probably already tried that, in which case I’ll *buzz* off, but worth a try…?

  2. Insomniac Mummy
    4th May 2010 / 11:19 am

    I was woken this morning by an over exuberant 3 year old jumping ahis room with Buzz Lightyear.
    Whoops of, ‘To infinity, and beyond!’ were muffled once I’d placed the pillow around my ears.
    Must test the glow in the dark capabilities later.

  3. 4th May 2010 / 10:26 am

    Erm – I don’t mean to step into a battlefield here, but things that glow in the dark do it for a limited time only. They absorb light and then slowly release it. It is **possible** that by 4am the glow had run out…just saying **ducks quickly**

  4. 4th May 2010 / 10:31 am

    Awwww, poor Flea. I thought you were going to want to hurl the toy high into space because of the annoying 65 sayings. 65??? It must have a very powerful memory card in there somewhere. Any chance you can remember and re-tell the story about Sam the Space Pirate? It sounds highly entertaining.

  5. 4th May 2010 / 10:34 am

    Oh sod off, with your logical thought processes and reasoned responses 😉
    It’s possible, I suppose. But it wasn’t glowing when she went to bed, and I told her it wasn’t dark enough. So when she woke up and it was pitch black, you can see why she might have expected it to be glowing.

  6. 4th May 2010 / 10:34 am

    Oh yes, 65. All equally loud and annoying.
    Yes, I can remember the story. No, I don’t think I need to share with, like, actual adults. But it made Flea laugh, so it served a purpose.

  7. 4th May 2010 / 10:36 am

    Sorry **shuffles feet** I’m afraid I’m cursed with being sensible. My whole life it’s got in the way. Anyway, I can totally understand why Flea would get upset. Maybe you can get a torch and hide under the duvet in your darkest room and try it out?

  8. 4th May 2010 / 1:02 pm

    Oh please….. I’m not, like, a *real* adult. Just a pretend one.

  9. Susie
    4th May 2010 / 2:00 pm

    LOL-at the post and the comments. I would not be laughing though if I had been the one woken up at that ungodly hour.

  10. 4th May 2010 / 2:31 pm

    It was what Jane and Jim used to distract him while they stole his treasure. That, and a dressing gown and a mango smoothie.
    (It was 3am. I don’t do my best work at 3am)

  11. 4th May 2010 / 4:40 pm

    My boys glow in the dark stars only glow for about an hour. We had the same when they first got them!

  12. 4th May 2010 / 7:59 pm

    Makes note to self “don’t tell daughter if it says glow in the dark on the box”. Other note to self “delay daughters reading so she doesn’t know”. I’m not sure I could stand that sort of trauma.

  13. 4th May 2010 / 8:25 pm

    If its any consolation (although I doubt it is, as that would piss me off no end!) I have the same feelings about the people who make packaging on children’s toys – I actually come close to tryig to track them down and throw dirty nappies through their door!

  14. 7th May 2010 / 8:33 pm

    oh no poor Flea. Stupid toys interupting our sleep with their false claims!