If only real life was more like the Brownies

Yesterday, I went to Comet to buy a new washing machine. Saw a decent model on special offer, and decide to buy it – but delivery was £20. Pah. I am a financially responsible adult and I laugh in the face of delivery charges.

“Well, we’ve got it in stock so we can put it in your car,” said the salesman.

“Make it so, yellow-shirted man,” I replied (not really).

Getting into the car, I congratulated myself on my savvy shopping techniques for, ooh, about 20 seconds. Then I realised I was going to have to get the wretched machine out of my Honda Civic, then somehow get it out of the garage, up the steps to the back door and then somehow connect it to whatever it is washing machines need. Brilliant.

Fast forward two hours and I had actually got the unbelievably heavy machine into the house and connected – and it was washing laundry! Sadly, though, there was nobody else in the house to praise my mammoth achievement, unless you count Flea, who said, “It’s quite noisy, isn’t it?”

I thought to myself that adult life should be more like Cub Scouts. You should get a badge for those moments when you do something completely, utterly grown up that you didn’t think you’d be able to do. Like plumbing in a washing machine.

So, being a creative, dynamic professional with too much free time, I made this – my very own “Plumbing” badge: 


Feel free to borrow this next time you achieve some impressive washing-machine action of your own. And why should we stop there?

I should have a badge for the time I drove my 4×4 into a kerb and burst a tyre, and managed to replace it, even while it was snowing. Or the first time I managed to fit a pendant light fitting without shorting out the entire house. And how about a badge to recognise my ability to juggle vodka bottles?

Vodka Screwdirver Tyre

So – impress me. What badges would you stitch onto your uniform?

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