Ninja Kittens and Cardiac Monitors

For reasons rather too dull to go into in this action-packed corner of the Internet, I’m currently wearing a cardiac monitor. Don’t get excited, it’s nothing fatal. I’m just being monitored.

Sounds thrilling, doesn’t it? A little bit dangerous, perhaps even borderline glamorous.

Yeah, right. 

Wearing a cardiac monitor means that I have approximately 10 metres of industrial-strength NHS cable secreted under my t-shirt, making it look as though I’m smuggling a small family of snakes.

The wires are attached to strategic points of my body with stickers that weren’t in the slightest bit uncomfortable when I was lying on a hospital bed, but the moment I stood up, and my flesh relaxed back into its normal position, immediately became excruciatingly uncomfortable and itchy. They’re fixed like glue because the nurse basically rubs your skin with sandpaper before sticking them to you (“Think of it as being like exfoliation, but on the NHS,” she said cheerfully before removing the top 10 layers of my skin).

Anyway, the wires are attached to a box, that is placed inside a small grey pouch, which is in turn attached to a long, rubber strap worn across the body on the outside of the clothing. It’s like the world’s least fashionable handbag.

I’m looking a-ma-zing, obviously.

The lovely surprise about wearing a cardiac monitor is that every so often it beeps. This isn’t AT ALL awkward in social occasions. And let me tell you friends, there is nothing suspicious about something under your clothing BEEPING while you’re walking past the security guard at the door of your local Tesco store with a packet of chocolate muffins. Nope, nothing at all.

The other wonderful thing about cardiac monitors is they’re designed with the average person in mind. And I’m basically a midget.

This means there’s approximately 2 metres of unnecessary cable dangling somewhere around my waist.

You may know we’ve recently adopted two kittens. And it turns out there’s nothing on God’s green earth that kittens like more than dangling wires.

Every so often, I’m caught unawares by a cat making a lunge for my stomach, pointy parts fully extended, a gleam of triumph in its eye.

It’s rather un-nerving, to say the least. Still, I’m sure the ninja kittens are adding an element of drama to the heart rate readings…

I have to wear this fetching accessory for a full 48 hours. During which time I can not shower, nor apply any form of deodorant, cream or perfume. Also, due to a teeny tiny misunderstanding at the hospital, I’m unable to remove my bra without disconnecting the damn wires or ripping off half the skin from my upper body, not to mention probably triggering an alarm at the hospital to tell someone that my heart has stopped beating.

Cunningly, during the 48 hours of not washing, changing clothes or applying any cleaners, I’m also meeting up with 15 bloggers to talk about a new range of soaps and cleansing products.

I am nothing if not gifted at forward planning, eh?

Still, I can enjoy the irony of that situation, if nothing else.



(I should add, there’s really nothing seriously wrong with me, and no danger I’m about to keel over. Promise.) 


Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

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  1. Nikki
    3rd July 2012 / 8:01 pm

    Whilst I’m sure it provides much amusement for the kittens, I’m sure you’re very uncomfortable. Hope the tests go ok Sally.

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:19 am

      The kittens are relentless – it’s like the feline version of The Birds…

  2. Domestic Goddesque
    3rd July 2012 / 9:20 pm

    I know that it is unkind to laugh hysterically about someone else’s misfortune, but you did write about it. I look forward to checking out your kitten-magnet gear in the morning!

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:19 am

      I looked a-ma-zing, I know.

  3. 3rd July 2012 / 9:25 pm

    Your kittens are very cute, and your sense of timing appears to be impeccable!

    Hope everything goes OK over the next couple of days and you’re not too uncomfortable/clawed/smelly (delete as appropriate)
    geekmummy recently posted..All about the geekdaughterMy Profile

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:20 am

      Thanks, only a few hours left and I’m ready to RIP the feckin’ thing off already.

  4. 3rd July 2012 / 9:28 pm

    Brilliant, just laughed so loudly that Mr Kat can to see if The Inbetweeners was on.
    kat recently posted..Chocolate Pavlova RecipeMy Profile

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:20 am

      On a par with the Inbetweeners, eh? Pretty impressive *proud face*

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:20 am

      Thanks, tt. I do appreciate the support.

  5. 4th July 2012 / 4:52 am

    I’m sure if you attach some carpeting to your legs and ad an occasional kitty-litter you could pass as a regular cat-amusement park.
    (I’m sorry, it is a hillarious post, I’m still laughing. And I so know where you come from, wore the damn thing once. Doctors said I must be regular Miguel Indurain, my heart rate going from 30 while sleeping, which is somewhat elephant-like, to 190 while climbing stairs. Which goest to prove I’m one big animal while sleeping, I guess. Fat lot good that is.)

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:21 am

      I could have a whole new kitty amusement career if I combined it with day-care…

  6. Tattieweasle
    4th July 2012 / 7:56 am

    Really I am trying not to laugh….but I am. Do hope the test goes well and that the kittens hold off their antics so you can be unravelled!

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:21 am

      Thanks – it’s been the longest 48 hours of my life!

  7. One Mother's Notes
    4th July 2012 / 8:15 am

    This is so funny, although i’m sure the Doctors didn’t intend it to be that way. Always look on the bright side, hey? The image of the beeping at Tesco made me smile, the kittens made me laugh.

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:21 am

      Thanks, it’s pretty funny overall, I guess..

  8. Rainbow Prams
    4th July 2012 / 1:22 pm

    Oh no bless your heart! Oh the irony! And cute kittens but ninjas! Roll on 48 hours get those wires away and have an amazing cup of tea xx

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:22 am

      I am going to have tea AND a muffin. i deserve it…

    • 5th July 2012 / 8:22 am

      Thanks Emma x

  9. 9th July 2012 / 10:25 am

    Mr M had to do that – basically meant 48 hours when you couldn’t sleep for more than an hour before the thing went beep and started to make various noises… far from ideal and he thought almost certain to show you have high blood pressure as you go ‘eek it’s beeping, I’m in public, bother’
    Muddling Along recently posted..What is this ‘all’ and do I really want to have it?My Profile

  10. Lauren
    12th July 2012 / 8:32 pm

    When I was younger my dad sliced his hand open very dramatically on a collapsing wine bottle. It wasn’t very nice (though my mother trying to stop him bleeding out fresh from the shower in a glass-fronted house did have a certain post-disaster entertainment value…), but I’ll always remember that in the ambulance on the way to the hospital the paramedic wired him up to all the monitors just to show off to us kids. My dad probably didn’t enjoy it (gaping wound, yaddah yaddah), but we thought it was just the coolest thing ever!