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That’ll be why I don’t do housework, then.

Dyson
One of the things they never tell you when you become a parent is that, for the foreseeable future, you will never have clean floors. There will always, always be something on the floor – toy soldiers, small cars, general small-person detritus.

Yesterday evening it had become too annoying to continually be stepping on something so I decided to clear the floors. I tidied away Flea’s toys and pulled out the vacuum cleaner. It’s a fairly regular sort of Dyson cleaner, with a long, rigid extendible hose. We have wooden floors and often I take the end of the hose to provide stronger, more concentrated suction to pick up stuff along the edges of the floor.

I know, I am a fully-fledged housewife genius and domestic role model.

I was merrily cleaning when I saw one of Flea’s drawings under the dining table. Because I’m basically idle, I decided the best thing to do was to pick up the paper with the vacuum hose and then pick it off the end – thereby saving me the hassle of crawling under the table.

At this point I am congratulating myself on my efficiency and general domestic Goddess credentials.

Except, it turns out that when you put something large over the end of a vacuum it creates an air-tight seal.

Then what happens is the extendible hose retracts – at speed. And depending on how you’re holding the vacuum cleaner at the time, it sort of rebounds into your chest a bit like a high-velocity rifle, causing extensive bruising and also causing you to fall backwards, trip over a Tripp Trapp (how’s that for irony?) and cut open your head on the corner of the play table.

And then you’ll need to go to the local clinic to have your scalp stuck back together and also ask your GP for painkillers because one of your breasts has basically turned purple. People may snigger at you during this time. Openly.

Yep. I am definitely, officially Class A role model material.

About 

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She's also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world's coolest ten year old.

About The Author

Sally

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She's also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world's coolest ten year old.

39 Comments

  1. PippaD

    Ouch! Is it at least a nice shade of purple?

    Reply
  2. mathew

    How in god’s good name is this possible?

    Reply
  3. Sally Whittle

    It’s a special talent I have. Find the disaster in any situation.

    Reply
  4. Emma

    This is why you need these cleaning ladies back!

    Reply
  5. Pixie

    Oh. That’s comedy gold, in a Frank Spencer type way. Hopefully recovery is speedy.

    Reply
  6. Amy

    OMG, I know I shouldn’t laugh but that just created the funniest mental picture! Hope you’re ok and the bruising goes down soon, x

    Reply
  7. TheMadHouse

    Bloody Hell, I guess yesterday went from bad to worse! Funny though, although you are just confirming MadDad’s opinions!

    Reply
  8. Diane

    Oh no! But this just shows how evil housework is. You probably should leave it to the professionals.

    Reply
  9. Cheeky Wipes Helen

    Ah. I use the ‘can’t be bothered to bend / crawl under table’ vacuum hose technique all the time. But my dyson is an upright one so it doesn’t create quite the same impact.
    Hope your bruises fade soon…

    Reply
  10. Jan

    LOL – sorry to laugh when you’re in pain. A great post though!
    Hope you’re soon better and not so purple!!

    Reply
  11. Sally Whittle

    I’m sure I’ll laugh about it one day…

    Reply
  12. Sally Whittle

    No, although now I think about it, I think it does sort of ‘click’ into place if you extend it fully – maybe I didn’t do that bit?

    Reply
  13. Sally Whittle

    It’s a lie, I tell you. I taught Nigella everything she knows.

    Reply
  14. Sally Whittle

    This is a good rule. And one I intend to follow in 2011.

    Reply
  15. Domestic goddesque

    I can’t tell you I didn’t laugh when I read this, primarily because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who injures themselves in unusual ways. It’s surprisingly hard to bruise your boob though. Hope you are btter soon.

    Reply
  16. Natalie Sutton

    Delegation, delegation, delegation. Need I say more?!

    Reply
  17. Tasha (Coding Mamma)

    Oh, that is hilarious. Sorry – not for you, obviously. But it truly does vindicate my policy (it is, of course, a policy, not just general laziness) of never hoovering.

    Reply
  18. Merry

    You mummy bloggers do seem to have a worrying number of domestically related injuries. I think you need to write it into the job description!

    Reply
  19. Livi

    Ouch! But I will admit to laughing out loud!

    Reply
  20. Solnushka

    Child related injuries. Gotta love ’em.

    Reply
  21. mama-andmore

    great post, utterly hilarious! I say help keep the unemployment rates down and get a professional! My duaghter managed to gouge out some of my eyeball when she was tiny and resisting my attempts at a manicure… cue several hours in the eye hospital on Marylebone Road. Kids, they should come with a health warning!

    Reply
  22. Sally Whittle

    Maybe all the screen time affects our eyesight or distance perception or something?

    Reply
  23. Sally Whittle

    Oh my! That sounds really, really painful.

    Reply
  24. Honest Mum

    Just found your blog-very well written, really enjoyed reading. Poor you, perhaps it’s time to enlist a cleaner?

    Reply
  25. elizabethm

    Just a thought – you have a very talented daughter. Can’t she do the hoovering from now on? As a life lesson, obviously.

    Reply
  26. Sally Whittle

    Thanks, and welcome! I wish for a cleaner. One day, when I marry well…

    Reply

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