The One Where I Make You Feel Better About Your Life…

Coffee cup
You know how they say everyone is put on earth for a reason? I sometimes think I’m here to make all of you feel better about your lives.

I’ll preface this story with news that I am ill.

This is fairly unusual – my best friend announced that he's travelling hundreds of miles to see me this week because, apparently, “I can’t possibly miss the opportunity to see you weak and vulnerable”. Which is nice.

Anyway, I went for a walk on the beach this morning in the drizzle. On the way home, I stumbled into a local coffee shop, to get coffee and a muffin for breakfast. It’s the coffee shop in the next town over, where I was once busted for staring inappropriately at the (admittedly beautiful) young chap working behind the counter.

It’s next to M&S, and I’d popped in to buy myself some comfort food – Percy Pigs are a basic human right when you’re ill, after all. The beautiful young man was working. Bugger.

By pretending to examine the contents of my shopping bags, I managed to order my coffee without looking at him at all (I figured it’s far better to be seen as socially awkward than a pervy old woman). Coffee served, I realised I had a problem. How to carry coffee, muffin and two bags of shopping?

“Oh dear,” I said.

Obviously I looked like I was moments from death, because the beautiful young man took pity on me and said, “Can I carry your shopping to your car for you?”

"Honestly, I’m fine,” I insisted, while trying to repress a sneeze because nothing is more horrifying than a pervy old woman unless it's a pervy old woman covered in snot, after all.

“I insist,” he said. Bless his little cotton socks.

The young chap picked up my shopping while I took the coffee and muffin outside the shop, to where my car was parked. The keys were in my pocket. I had coffee in one hand, and a muffin in the other. It was raining. What to do?

I am blessed with amazing skills of physical co-ordination (cough) so I was able to balance the muffin on top of the coffee and reach a couple of fingers into my jeans pocket to press the ‘unlock’ button and open the car. The young man put my shopping into the car boot and opened my car door so I could get into the front seat.

I sat down, trying to convince myself that I had retained some level of dignity during this interaction. “Thanks,” I smiled, pulling the car door shut.

As I put on the seat-belt, though, I must have squeezed the key fob, which was still in my pocket. The car doors locked. Then double locked. Then the motion sensor kicked in and the car alarm started to go off.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get something out of a pair of damp bootcut jeans while seated in a small car, but it’s not the kind of thing you can do in ten seconds, even if you’re blessed with amazing physical prowess, as I am.

No.

It takes at least 45 horrifying seconds, during which time the beautiful young man will be doing his utmost not to wet himself laughing at the sight of you, and several dozen strangers stop in their tracks to stare in your direction.

And all the time you’ll be wishing you’d just gone with the looking like a pervy old woman thing, because you’ve now become the weird old woman who set off her own car alarm and then had to wriggle around in her car like she was having a seizure to try and get the keys back out.

Sigh. 

About 

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

26 Comments

  1. 8th October 2011 / 6:51 pm

    Ouch! I hope you feel better soon. On the plus side, the beautiful young man may never forget you 😉

  2. 8th October 2011 / 6:51 pm

    Oh dear! Heeehee that did make me laugh I’m afraid! Poor you, that doesn’t sound anything like what you needed on top of being ill. I bet you couldn’t enjoy your coffee and muffin after that either. Get well soon

  3. 8th October 2011 / 6:51 pm

    Thanks for that – as promised, I feel better about my life already 😉

  4. 8th October 2011 / 8:24 pm

    Love it. You should get yourself into situations like this more often.

  5. 8th October 2011 / 8:25 pm

    That just makes me feel sad that I don’t have an “admittedly beautiful young chap” to stare at whilst I get coffee! Where exactly is this coffee shop?

  6. Janet Pfaff
    8th October 2011 / 9:04 pm

    Thanks, I’m still laughing .

  7. 8th October 2011 / 9:16 pm

    So been there… (although without the beautiful young man sadly).
    and mmmm, Percy Pigs. Although slightly disturbingly made with real pig.

  8. 8th October 2011 / 11:31 pm

    well at least you didn’t wet yourself.

  9. Tattie weasle
    9th October 2011 / 7:35 am

    Yes definitely on this earth to make us feel better!

  10. 9th October 2011 / 8:53 am

    My cats (yes, bear with me!) have developed this thing that they do whenever they fall off something in an undignified fashion or do something otherwise un-cat-like where they regain their dignity with a very strong air of “you know, I totally meant to do that!”. Maybe you need to work on something similar just in case you find yourself in such a situation again?

  11. 9th October 2011 / 10:30 am

    I’m not entirely sure that’s a plus side.

  12. 9th October 2011 / 10:30 am

    Oh, the coffee and muffin were extra-needed by the time I got home.

  13. 9th October 2011 / 10:32 am

    Seriously?? That’s your upside? Thanks, mate.

  14. 9th October 2011 / 10:33 am

    I do that regularly, but it’s hard to pull off when you look like you’re having a fit in the front seat of a Honda.

  15. 9th October 2011 / 4:53 pm

    lol awww I’m so sorry this had happened. And it was almost perfect when he went to open the car door for you! Hope you are feeling better with the coffee and muffin!

  16. susie@newdaynewlesson
    9th October 2011 / 7:43 pm

    LMAO (sorry) do hope you are feeling better.
    And for the record, you are not an old woman. Pervy, though I can’t say for sure 🙂

  17. 10th October 2011 / 10:49 am

    Oh dear. Hope you feel better soon. It was a bit funny though and sounds like something I would do. xx

  18. 11th October 2011 / 2:05 pm

    Oh dear, poor you. Hope you’re feeling better now. I must admit I did giggle a little bit reading this post! Sorry.

  19. 12th October 2011 / 1:07 am

    Oh honey! Hope you feel better soon… Maybe he’ll take pity on you and be your on-hand nurse till you’re better? 😛
    *grins*

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