The World According to Flea

Some time around her fourth birthday, I think someone invisible broke into our house and gave Flea her very own, special copy of “The Reader’s Digest Book of Facts”.

I know it must be a very special copy because it's given Flea knowledge of a range of facts that seem to be – without wishing to sound judgmental – completely false. But Flea insists that her "facts" are completely true, and she believes, with all the unshakeable zeal of a born-again Christian.

She will state her fact with utter confidence, and if you disagree she does that borderline hysterical laughing/crying thing that kids do if they think you’re teasing them.

This makes being with my daughter a highly educational process. Just this week I have learned that:

  • There are no potatoes in an omelette. But they DO contain pastry.
  • You are not allowed to go to the toilet on a plane if the plane is moving.
  • Like is often spelled l-i-k-e but the accurate spelling is actually l-i-y-k-e-e
  • Teddy bears in stories are just pictures, but if they were in real life they would be alive, not just stuffed toys. You know this because their expressions change in the story.
  • You can marry another girl, but you’re only allowed sleepovers on a weekend.
  • Many people worship Jesus but he was actually called King Cheese-us.
  • Although she is four and her friend Max is five, Flea will turn six before Max.

To protect her future dignity, I’m not even going to tell you what Flea thinks her female ‘parts’ are called. But I can’t wait until she shares that data with a medical professional.

I’m taking the view that one day Flea will realise that, actually, you ARE allowed to go to the toilet on a plane (probably next time we go on a plane) and I don’t want to dint her pride by insisting too hard on the truth.  So I’ve perfected a very non-committal, “Gosh, do you think so?

Oh, and in case you were wondering, you absolutely, definitely use Blu-Tack to put up wallpaper.


Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

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  1. Priness_L_88
    28th April 2010 / 9:10 pm

    Rofl! Bless her!

  2. 28th April 2010 / 9:09 pm

    That is brilliant, I love the fact they believe everything. My kids think rolos are mummies medicine not to be eaten by small girls… wonder how long they will believe that for?

  3. 28th April 2010 / 9:15 pm

    All the way though that I just kept thinking the boys sould love Flea as she has toy story soldiers!

  4. 28th April 2010 / 9:20 pm

    Fabulous! Her teachers will eat her up she’s so gorgeous!

  5. 28th April 2010 / 9:55 pm

    flea gets my vote. we need some nomessin’ straighttalkin’ wimminfolk like this to lay down the law. it’s better than some of the stuff i’ve heard men spout, 50 years older and no wiser.

  6. 28th April 2010 / 11:23 pm

    I had similar conviction in what I claimed to be “fact” when growing up. My mom says I called the Atlantic Ocean the Pacific. I refused to call it otherwise. Mom said she told me I could do as I pleased but no one would understand what I was talking about.

  7. S.
    29th April 2010 / 10:47 am

    Ha ha ha!! King Cheese-Us. Brilliant. I’ll tell Una that next time she makes me repeat one of her school prayers.

  8. carolinesweetie
    29th April 2010 / 12:25 pm

    They are so funny at that age. My 3yr old told me that he was going to marry the 9yr olds teacher,but then changed his mind when i told him he would have to go and live with her. He then said he would just marry me. I’m just the seconds.
    Brilliant facts, and she is so right.

  9. Steve Earl
    29th April 2010 / 12:48 pm

    My five-year-old recently asked me what I did at work. I said my job was mostly about helping other people to do their work.
    She said: “What you must do is make them all work very hard for you, and if they get really tired then feed them snacks”.
    The emergence of a humanist, capitalist and pragmatist?

  10. 29th April 2010 / 1:08 pm

    Love it, BG just tells me “no” at the moment

  11. Jane
    29th April 2010 / 1:20 pm

    Children say the best things in pure innocence. I liyke Flea think she is a great daughter to you

  12. Manda
    29th April 2010 / 1:24 pm

    Soooooo funny! LOVE IT! 😉

  13. 29th April 2010 / 10:12 pm

    Surely all the best omelettes have pastry in them?

  14. 29th April 2010 / 10:35 pm

    This is so funny! She is a clever girl!

  15. 29th April 2010 / 10:46 pm

    Flea watches me like a hawk for the merest suggestion of chocolate eating – there’s no getting anything past her!

  16. 29th April 2010 / 10:47 pm

    Lovely – sounds like your Mum is a sensible sort.

  17. 29th April 2010 / 10:48 pm

    Flea is absolutely 100% convinced. He WAS a King, in fact, and he is called CHEES-US. If I try and correct her, I just get: “You’re joking me mummy, stop joking me.” So I shrug and let it go. It’s a good name.

  18. 29th April 2010 / 10:48 pm

    Flea told me tonight she is going to stay with me forever and ever and ever. Except when her friends invite her for sleepovers.

  19. 29th April 2010 / 10:49 pm

    The girl talks sense. I trust that there are snacks in your office. and not one of those fancy fruit baskets either – proper snacks. Like Kit Kats.

  20. 29th April 2010 / 10:50 pm

    Apparently “The omelettes at school definitely DO have pastry in.” So, there you have it. Who am I to argue?