The World According to Flea

Some time around her fourth birthday, I think someone invisible broke into our house and gave Flea her very own, special copy of “The Reader’s Digest Book of Facts”.

I know it must be a very special copy because it's given Flea knowledge of a range of facts that seem to be – without wishing to sound judgmental – completely false. But Flea insists that her "facts" are completely true, and she believes, with all the unshakeable zeal of a born-again Christian.

She will state her fact with utter confidence, and if you disagree she does that borderline hysterical laughing/crying thing that kids do if they think you’re teasing them.

This makes being with my daughter a highly educational process. Just this week I have learned that:

  • There are no potatoes in an omelette. But they DO contain pastry.
  • You are not allowed to go to the toilet on a plane if the plane is moving.
  • Like is often spelled l-i-k-e but the accurate spelling is actually l-i-y-k-e-e
  • Teddy bears in stories are just pictures, but if they were in real life they would be alive, not just stuffed toys. You know this because their expressions change in the story.
  • You can marry another girl, but you’re only allowed sleepovers on a weekend.
  • Many people worship Jesus but he was actually called King Cheese-us.
  • Although she is four and her friend Max is five, Flea will turn six before Max.

To protect her future dignity, I’m not even going to tell you what Flea thinks her female ‘parts’ are called. But I can’t wait until she shares that data with a medical professional.

I’m taking the view that one day Flea will realise that, actually, you ARE allowed to go to the toilet on a plane (probably next time we go on a plane) and I don’t want to dint her pride by insisting too hard on the truth.  So I’ve perfected a very non-committal, “Gosh, do you think so?

Oh, and in case you were wondering, you absolutely, definitely use Blu-Tack to put up wallpaper.

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