5 things you don’t know about kittens until you get kittens

So after months of promising, we have recently adopted two small kittens.

As you’d expect, they are small and fluffy and unspeakably cute.

They are also undeniably EVIL.

Seriously, I thought getting kittens was a low-maintenance, fuss-free pet option. Ha! So naïve. Even Flea has taken to calling Magic and Stripe “the forces of Darkness.”

So here, in case you’re thinking about adopting some fluffy, lovely kittens, are the things you need to know:

  • Small kittens eat cat food, and little kitten biscuits. They will also eat chocolate digestives, brown bread, tortilla wraps, pizza crust, paper bags, salad cream, spring onions and – perhaps most impressive of all – toothpaste. Basically, if it’s accessible and fits into a 1.5-inch mouth-span, it’s going to get eaten. Oh – unless it’s a tablet, or medication in a syringe. Then you’re going to have to wrestle with all the kitten’s pointy edges to get them to so much as lick the wretched stuff.
  • Small kittens love to exercise by stretching their claws on a specially designed scratching post. If, however, the scratching post is in another room, it’s far more convenient to just use someone’s leg as a claw-sharpening device. Obviously.
  • Adopting two kittens means your kitten will never be lonely, as your kitten has a play-mate at all times. Adopting two kittens also means there’s always an accomplice and your kittens can team up to solve challenges, Krypton Factor style, leaving you to wonder every morning how it is they opened the incredibly expensive kitchen bin and spread the contents all over the floor.
  • At around 12 weeks, your kittens will be litter trained and will use a litter tray to do their ‘business’. Or, alternatively, they’ll use anything left lying on the floor. They particularly enjoy peeing on clothing. They particularly enjoy peeing on MY clothing.
  • Sometimes business phone calls can be a little dull (apologies to any clients reading). But with small kittens, phone calls take on another dimension. Imagine the excitement as a small kitten decides to sleep on your bosom halfway through those negotiations. Laugh with delight as the second kitten becomes jealous and decides to start a fight with the first kitten – who is still on your bosom. Watch your professional reputation SOAR as you punctuate your conversations with pained squeaks and exclamations of, “No, not on my breasts – UNACCEPTABLE!”

Apparently they calm down at about 12 months. So just 9 more months of chaos to go…

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