What NOT to call your child…

what not to call your child

There are lots of posts about baby names but how about what NOT to call your child?

Now, I’m not one to be judgmental, but…

Actually that’s a complete lie. I’m massively judgmental. I’ve written about my feelings about X-Factor fans, and you don’t want to know what I said this week when I noticed once of our neighbours has treated himself to a personalised number plate that says, “L-OVER”. But it certainly wasn’t, “Look at that! How fun.”

The secret to being judgmental and remaining a good person (which I am, honest) is to ensure that your judgments don’t affect the way you treat people. So you can be perfectly friendly and respectful to someone all the while wondering how it is they manage to see well enough to tie their shoelaces in the morning through all those layers of mascara.

Nowhere am I more judgmental than when it comes to children’s names. This weekend, I was in a grocery store when I overheard a Mum shouting at her child.  Who was called… Boden.


An actual adult named her actual child after a clothing store. Well, I hope it was the clothing store, and not the cafetiere. Although, actually, who knows? Maybe she just really loves glass teapots.

It’s almost as bad as the kid called Chilli, in the Beaver group I used to run (it was a boy, if you’re wondering).

Top of my list of what not to call your child are people who give their children QUIRKY names, presumably in a vain attempt to persuade the rest of us that they are somehow more fun, more creative or posher than us boring people who name our children after things you don’t find on the shelves at Spar. Like… Apple. Spark. Leather.


There’s more. Here are my ten things not to call your child. If you’re looking for baby names, make sure you avoid THESE names:

Top Ten Things Not to Call Your Child

  1. Cub – it’s super cute for a baby, but who wants to have a baby name their whole life?
  2. Baby – talking of baby names, the whole point of Dirty Dancing is that baby doesn’t like her name. Sigh.
  3. Manson. If the first thing someone thinks about is a serial killer, it’s not a great name.
  4. King/Queen/Messiah etc. If you’re not actually royal, don’t do it.
  5. Whatever the number one name has been for the past five years. Nobody wants to be one of five different kids called “Harry” or “Katie” in their class.
  6. Covid/Corona – just. No. It’s impossibly insensitive.
  7. Any child named after a Greek God. Who wants to live up to that?
  8. Bart. Because you’ll end up either being called Bart Simpson or Bart the Fart. Guaranteed.
  9. Yugo. Apparently this is a real name. It’s also a cheap car.
  10. Your name with junior attached. Let your child have their own identity!

I sometimes wonder if these kids will end up doing what I did the summer I was nine years old, when I told everyone I met that my name was Steve. Worked BRILLIANTLY. Although, I’d have got away with it for longer had my breasts not come in the next year.

What do you think – are quirky names a fun way to show individuality? Or will you join me at the judgmental jamboree and share your own worst overheard name? What’s on your list of what not to name your child?

132 thoughts on “What NOT to call your child…”

  1. Just stumbled on this. Yes 8 years late.

    A friend works in the NHS and he has told me some quality names. As well as the beautiful names Fortunate and Marvellous (very wanted children, I think) I particularly remember there being a Sierra Leanne (not named after the war-torn country) and a Frodo.

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