20 Things I did in 2010 and definitely won’t do in 2011*

Fresh

Sometimes, friends, I fell a teeny bit short of the gold standard of parenting in 2010.

There have been occasions in the past when, sadly, I failed to recognise my child in her school photo. Or posted video of her emotional trauma on the Internet. Or there was that time I sent her to school with pictures of monkey porn.

But it's a fresh start. A New Year. 

I have high hopes for 2011. And resolutions, and stuff. Oh yes. My resolutions are to do less of this sort of thing:

  1. Forgetting school pick-up time, necessitating a last minute cry of “Oh, bugger” and an undignified race to school with un-brushed hair and the remains of my lunchtime soup down my front
  2. Telling Flea that she can’t have a bath and needs to go straight to bed because the boiler’s broken and there’s no hot water, so I can have a long soak myself
  3. Screening my phone calls to avoid speaking to people I’m related to
  4. Paying for £2 of petrol in loose change because yet again I forgot to take my bag on the school run
  5. Inventing games with potentially compromising names like “Close your eyes and guess who hit you round the head”.  Other people never entirely believe that Flea *asks* me to play these games
  6. Spending 20 minutes trying to work out who the heck just unfriended me on Facebook. Note to self: if you can’t work out who it is, it probably wasn’t a CLOSE friend.
  7. Pretending that rice with frozen peas and soy sauce is a balanced meal for a 5-year-old
  8. Recycling PR freebies as birthday gifts for friends and family
  9. Telling the Mums at the school gate I’ve been working hard when really I’ve been at the cinema all afternoon
  10. Laughing when Flea refuses to kiss her Dad because “he’s not handsome enough”
  11. Saying things like “I hope my niece likes it” when buying books like Twilight, hoping that the shop assistant will think I’m not the kind of sad loser who reads anti-feminist Mormon propaganda
  12. Making Flea hide with me in the dining room when the window cleaner knocks on the door and I don’t have any cash
  13. Writing a blog post about my teenage crush. Using his full name (yes, this one still makes me blush just to think about it)
  14. Posting passive aggressive status updates on Twitter about how ‘some people’ need to get a life. The chances of them reading it and thinking “She’s absolutely right!” are fairly slim, after all 
  15. Ordering take-out from Dominos just because I’ve run out of Diet Coke and can’t leave the house to get more
  16. Muttering “Think good thoughts about Jesus” while using ATMs, thereby causing the people behind me to think I’m some kind of religious nutter
  17. Telling Flea that the clothes in the laundry basket are perfectly acceptable if there’s nothing clean in her wardrobe
  18. Waiting until my mobile voicemail fills up and then deleting all the messages without listening to them on the basis that if it was REALLY important, they’d have called back.
  19. Throwing away pans because I’ve burned dinner (again) and can’t be bothered to clean up the consequences
  20. Inadvertently teaching my child phrases like “pick a lane, any lane” and “It’s called fourth gear, Granny, heard of it?” while on the school run

 

(* Probably. I mean, I'm not promising anything, obviously)

About 

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

31 Comments

  1. Nikkii
    5th January 2011 / 12:59 am

    I didn’t have you down as a reader of anti-feminist Mormon propaganda – thereyago!
    If you enjoy young adult literature try Scott Westerfeld – fabbullus stuff.

  2. 5th January 2011 / 1:14 am

    Oh God, I’m so ashamed. Don’t hate me.

  3. Diane
    5th January 2011 / 4:44 am

    I’ve totally ordered Dominos before because I couldn’t get out and needed (yes, needed) ice cream and Diet Coke. But er, things in the laundry basket *are* OK, aren’t they? Just for one or two more wears…?

  4. 5th January 2011 / 8:56 am

    regarding #14 I was totally called on one of my tweets with by the person I tweeted about! I just tweeted back that she was possibly a wee bit paranoid.

  5. 5th January 2011 / 9:24 am

    I have an easy way to solve the window cleaner thing. Tell them to stop coming. You can leave the blinds down, anyway, so you won’t notice.

  6. 5th January 2011 / 11:51 am

    I consider my laundry policy an environmentally positive action.

  7. Vic
    5th January 2011 / 11:56 am

    I am guilty of so many of those!

  8. 5th January 2011 / 12:01 pm

    Haha, I do some of those (voicemail – if somethings REALLY important the people will know to email :-p), and I’ve been known to throw away a microwave because soup exploded all over it and I couldn’t face cleaning it. Only once, though – excuse to buy a shiny new digital one 🙂

  9. 5th January 2011 / 12:32 pm

    You have just got to keep No 20 it’s a rite of passage or it is in my car: so much better if the kids say it than me esp when I don’t realise I have wound down my window and the other driver can actually hear me!

  10. Hannah
    5th January 2011 / 1:00 pm

    Haha fabulous.
    Dominos know our name and address (and phone number) by heart now – they answer the phone saying “Hello James and Hannah, large pick and mix deal with cookies?” and we say “yup!”
    Does that mean I eat too much pizza?

  11. 5th January 2011 / 3:03 pm

    “Inadvertently teaching my child phrases like “pick a lane, any lane” and “It’s called fourth gear, Granny, heard of it?” while on the school run”
    It will teach them to drive safely (this is my line and I’m sticking to it!)

  12. 5th January 2011 / 7:31 pm

    I am dooming her to a life of road rage, though.

  13. 5th January 2011 / 7:31 pm

    That happened to me when I lived in London with our local Thai delivery!

  14. 5th January 2011 / 7:47 pm

    This has made Me laugh out loud, think I could tick a fair few of them off for having done!

  15. 5th January 2011 / 7:51 pm

    Ha ha I am guilty of waaay to many of those as well.
    Rice, peas and soy sauce is clearly not a balanced meal for children, you quite clearly need to add sweetcorn lol

  16. 5th January 2011 / 8:17 pm

    That list makes me feel so much better – I’m obviously not alone with the crapness at times. Thank you!

  17. 5th January 2011 / 8:21 pm

    Wow for a minute there I thought that was my list. Hilarious, scary and comforting in equal measure.

  18. Diane
    5th January 2011 / 8:44 pm

    Ooh, good point! Now my actions are un-criticisable.

  19. 5th January 2011 / 9:33 pm

    Oh. Now this post deeply worried me. Mainly because I was nodding in recognition at a couple of them. Not telling you which ones though.
    I am awful on the school run. My children now think cycling anywhere is a bit of a stupid thing to do as I shout “Get a car!” at cyclists when we drive past. It’s a sort of reflex action now. In my defence, the lanes are very narrow and bendy and the cyclists wobble everywhere. I’m only thinking of them.

  20. Jeni Wren
    6th January 2011 / 10:46 pm

    Thank heavens I’m not the only one (and this can apply to almost every single point)!!

  21. 7th January 2011 / 1:17 am

    Sweetcorn? Hmm. I sometimes add broccoli, does that count?

  22. 7th January 2011 / 1:18 am

    You’re saying I’m CRAP?? Pfft. I am a TOP parent blogger and a ROLE MODEL, I’ll have you know. *flounce*

  23. 7th January 2011 / 1:19 am

    I can’t see a downside to teaching kids that cycling is bad. You know, unless you count the whole ‘killing mother earth’ thing…

  24. 7th January 2011 / 1:19 am

    Ard. I bet I’m the only one who’s done ’em all. You’re just trying to make me feel better.

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