That Mother of the Year award? It’s in the bag.


Flea and I like games.

One of our favourites is the “I can only hear you if you’re singing” game, where you have to sing everything you say, loudly and out of tune (that last bit isn’t a rule, just a lack of talent).

So tonight we were on our way home in the car, and I was singing a song to Flea with a (frankly) genius chorus that went something like:

Your Mummy is the best Mummy in the whole wide world

She is smarter than the rest

You are such a lucky girl

Because I am the best…

Flea was sitting next to me with her toy monkey, George, sitting on her lap. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw George whisper something to Flea.

Flea adopted her best confused face. “Mummy…” she said.


“George just said something I didn’t really understand.”

“What was that?”

“He said he thinks you’re not telling the truth.”

Oh, the hilarity.

Well, there’s only one way to respond to that sort of conduct.

We drove the five miles home with George hanging out of the car window, billowing in the breeze.

“It’ll teach him a lesson,” I sang to Flea, in sad tones.

On the way home, we stopped at the supermarket nearest to our house and I asked Flea if George had learned his lesson.

“I don’t think so,” she sang, loudly. “He is a VERY cheeky monkey. What shall we do?”

“I shall spank him when we get home. It’s the only way,” I sang back.

And that, Your Honour, is why my child was dancing round the supermarket this afternoon, patting her own rear end, and singing, “SPANK THE MONKEY, SPANK THE MONKEY, SPANK THE MONKEEEEEEEEEEY” at the top of her voice.

Possibly, I didn't think things through.


Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

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  1. 11th January 2011 / 7:21 pm

    I so wish you were my Mum.

  2. 11th January 2011 / 7:32 pm

    Fab. One of the rare posts I force Mr Coffee to read too.

  3. Jed Hallam
    11th January 2011 / 7:42 pm

    Best. Story. Ever.

  4. 11th January 2011 / 7:50 pm

    Oh my the thing is I can see the two of you doing this, it has made me smile, thank you

  5. 11th January 2011 / 7:54 pm

    Hilarious – I expect nothing less!

  6. 11th January 2011 / 8:02 pm

    I swear I need to pop on a tena before I read your posts.
    I think Flea has to be one of my favourite children ever!

  7. 11th January 2011 / 8:05 pm

    You. Are. Awesome!

  8. 11th January 2011 / 8:05 pm

    Oh good, I hope you didn’t hurt him, though.

  9. 11th January 2011 / 8:06 pm

    I am a bit ludicrous, it’s true. Tonight at bedtime Flea said to me: “Can you be a normal Mummy for a minute?”

  10. 11th January 2011 / 8:07 pm

    You might think so but one of our neighbours pretended not to recognise us. Can you believe it??

  11. 11th January 2011 / 8:14 pm

    Bloody BRILLIANT! (Potential Britains got talent entry?)

  12. 11th January 2011 / 8:14 pm

    *wrings out knickers* almost matches monkey porn.Almost.

  13. scribblingmum
    11th January 2011 / 8:15 pm

    Brilliant! Did you feel compelled to try and hurriedly explain this to all the shoppers or did you avoid all eye contact and keep your head down?!
    My friends’ little one loved Balamory when she was little and one time in doctors surgery shouted ‘Fock You, Fock You’ to a shocked elderly patient whilst her Mum stood behind shouting ‘Yes, Follow The Clue, Follow the Clue’.

  14. Hannah
    11th January 2011 / 8:35 pm

    I’ll remember this for future reference

  15. 11th January 2011 / 8:55 pm

    So funny. Is it wrong that I’d like you to adopt my family and I? Pleeeeease?

  16. 11th January 2011 / 8:59 pm

    You’d think but we were a bit shunned, to be honest…

  17. 11th January 2011 / 8:59 pm

    You know sometimes if you try and explain stuff, it just sound worse? Yeah, that.

  18. 11th January 2011 / 9:00 pm

    Aw, thanks, it takes years of effort to reach my level of ineptitude, you know.

  19. Vegemitevix
    11th January 2011 / 9:14 pm

    Brilliant and even better than that, no doubt based on a true story! Very very funny! Wish I’d seen the shoppers’ faces.

  20. 11th January 2011 / 9:17 pm

    i love this, bet you brightened up a few boring shopping trips!

  21. 11th January 2011 / 9:19 pm

    Hand on heart, it’s true word for word. Except the out of tune bit – in reality, I am a MARVELLOUS singer.

  22. Clare
    12th January 2011 / 12:14 am

    my first exposure to your blogs, oh how I guffawed ! Its a game we play often, but usually we play the “shout the song” game…instead of singing you shout the words like the Young Ones – that monkey deserved it, imho toys get away with far too much these days….I blame it on Woody -.-

  23. Vic
    12th January 2011 / 8:26 am

    When I can stop laughing for long enough to comment…

  24. 12th January 2011 / 10:01 am

    It was intended as such!

  25. Nikki
    12th January 2011 / 1:41 pm

    LOL – when Matthew was born he was given a monkey which I (stupidly) christened “Spanky” to amuse myself.
    That stupidity got paid back last week when he took it into nursery for show and tell loudly announcing to the staff – much to their amusement – that Spanky the monkey had arrived at school……
    Ho hum. I’m firmly in your school of parenting…..

  26. 12th January 2011 / 2:31 pm

    Uh huh who are you trying to kid… you thought this through and I respect you for it!

  27. 12th January 2011 / 7:23 pm

    excellent! I just wish I could get through this baby fog to find the energy and enthusiasm to have such creative fun! well done you…. you guys have a great relationship.

  28. 13th January 2011 / 9:09 pm

    I want to know where you shop. Seeing that in the supermarket would have brightened my day!

  29. 13th January 2011 / 11:35 pm

    Oh, well, welcome and thanks very much for commenting!
    You’re quite right, these toys have been taking liberties…

  30. 13th January 2011 / 11:36 pm

    See, you did it deliberately – mine was totally innocent! I’m not sure which is worse.

  31. 16th January 2011 / 8:13 pm

    We (hubby and I) are both crying laughing at the moment – thank you for a great read and smudging my mascara!

  32. Nikki
    17th January 2011 / 1:13 pm

    errrr – guilty as charged but need to amuse one’s self from time to time :-))))

  33. 17th January 2011 / 4:40 pm

    My first visit to your blog and I get this! You are too funny. I bet you and Flea have lots of fun together. 🙂

  34. CherishedByMe
    21st January 2011 / 1:35 pm

    Now that made me laugh! A lot! 😀

  35. Katie
    9th February 2011 / 9:57 am

    Utterly hillarious – I wish I’d seen that in the supermarket. Great fun – thanks for cheering a grey day and inspiring a reluctant writer to get on with it