It’s not personal. I just hate you.

Image: Flickr
Dear World,

I'm sure you're all lovely people with many fine qualities.

I'm sure you all donate to worthy charities, are kind to animals, and are polite to your Grandmothers.

Sadly, though, I still hate you. Not all of you. Just those of you at the school gate, at the supermarket, on the phone, in the extended family and, you know, those of you who otherwise cross my path on a bad day.

This post might give you the entirely false impression that I am a cranky or bad-tempered person. Friends, nothing could be further from the truth. Let's not forget I was prepared to overlook that unfortunate X-Factor business and chalk it up to your youthful inexperience. And I even came to terms with the fact that some of you wear Crocs. Voluntarily. In fact, I am such a tender-hearted fool that, in a gesture of generosity and open-mindedness, I'm prepared to give you all one last chance to redeem yourselves.

It's true. All you need to do is print off and sign the following Acceptable Behaviour Contract (ABC), and we can put all of this unpleasantness behind us. You know it makes sense. 

[Your Name] is expected to comply with the following requests at all times. He/She is expected to do so fully, and with a good attitude. Each time that [Your Name] does not meet these very reasonable expectations, he/she will receive a de-merit mark for the day. Five de-merit marks in any 30 day period will result in all offers of friendship and/or association being withdrawn. The decision of the blogger is final.

  • You will not park in disabled parking bays if you are not disabled. Your only disability is terminal laziness and that DOES NOT count. 
  • You will not make out in Caffe Nero. This is only acceptable if you are 13 and have the excuse of raging hormones and no credit card available to actually get a room. Otherwise, while I am obviously filled with joy at the knowledge you have a fulfilling sex life, I don't need to see it.
  • If you aren't old enough to remember Kurt Cobain, don't wear a Nirvana t-shirt. Similarly, if you can't actually tell me who Che Guevara is, don't wear his face on your t-shirt either.
  • I am impressed you always knew that relationship wouldn't work out. Really. But if you didn't think to mention it then, there's REALLY no need to mention it now. 
  • You will stop trying to convince me that queuing up outside a shop to buy an expensive consumer gadget in any way expresses your intelligence, creativity or individuality.
  • You will refrain from peering in my supermarket basket and commenting on the contents. Seriously. It's just rude.
  • You will understand that personal experience is not a valid basis for an entire political philosophy. Nodding sagely at the news of billion dollar cuts in funding on the basis that you stood in a queue for too long once makes me want to kick you. Repeatedly.
  • You will acknowledge that I am blessed with the gift of sight, and therefore don't need you to point out what I look like. Comments such as, "Ooh, a few more grey hairs there" are spectacularly unhelpful.
  • You will immediately cease using the word 'dude' in conversation. Breaching this clause of the contract will be considered gross misconduct and may be grounds for immediate disciplinary action, or age-related mockery.

About 

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

20 Comments

  1. Deb
    6th July 2010 / 11:11 am

    Oh Sally Whittle you are so funny! Also, are you sure we weren’t separated at birth (although I have never seen anyone older than 13 making out in Cafe Nero. Seriously, which ones do you go to?).
    I must confess to wearing Crocs, but just for gardening. And places where I have to walk loads, because my feet ache as I am ancient. Dude.

  2. 6th July 2010 / 11:02 am

    I promise to do my best and will occassionally send chocolate in case I am not doing my best… but I promise no more PDA in Caffe Nero.

  3. 6th July 2010 / 11:09 am

    Dear Overlord, I will still peer into your shopping basket but promise not to actually say anything about your food selections.

  4. Mary Poppins
    6th July 2010 / 11:11 am

    Ohooo dear my aka name for my DS is Dude, eeek better skulk off now then….I ain’t signing ;0)

  5. 6th July 2010 / 11:14 am

    P.s. Do you drink herbal tea by any chance, #justaskin ;0) x

  6. 6th July 2010 / 11:20 am

    That will do for now, I suppose.
    ps: I like Galaxy chocolate.

  7. 6th July 2010 / 11:21 am

    I appreciate your commitment to our ongoing relationship 😉

  8. 6th July 2010 / 11:22 am

    Lytham – full of old people snogging and 25 year olds showing off. LOOK, I HAVE SEX. I’M SNOGGING SOMEONE. Ugh.
    Dude, seriously, it’s just not on.

  9. 6th July 2010 / 11:22 am

    I think you may be allowed to call young people dude. Just so long as you never use it with anyone over 21.

  10. 6th July 2010 / 11:23 am

    Caffeinated beverages all the live long day…why? *whistles innocently*

  11. 6th July 2010 / 11:32 am

    Ranting on blogs. I approve wholeheartedly. Screw ’em all.

  12. Rachel
    6th July 2010 / 11:33 am

    There was a horric couple making out on the tube last night. Not 13years old. The guys had grey hair! They were also making cooing noises at each other and slobbering as they kissed. Thank you for agreeing that such behaviour is utterly unacceptable!

  13. 6th July 2010 / 2:21 pm

    You will refrain from peering in my supermarket basket and commenting on the contents. Seriously. It’s just rude.
    I read this as peeing in your basket… was a bit confused!

  14. 6th July 2010 / 5:57 pm

    As I didn’t even know what crocs were (I just had to goggle them) am I forgiven?

  15. 6th July 2010 / 6:28 pm

    Dude! You so harsh.
    (Honestly, I don’t even know if that’s how the kids say it these days. Just joking.)

  16. 6th July 2010 / 6:51 pm

    Oh – I so wanted to be friends but I don’t know if I can give up snogging in Caffe Nero.
    So gutted dude 😉

  17. 6th July 2010 / 9:18 pm

    Thank God it’s only my children that wear crocs in this house…although now I’m getting nervous about August…anything else you hate?!

  18. 7th July 2010 / 12:05 am

    I am guilty of using the word ‘dude’. A lot. However, I only say that to people I actually know, and they are usually Americans (for some reason, ha). When I’m in England I normally do not use such language. (I’m Norwegian.) Am I excused? Or should I just go throw myself off the nearest cliff?
    Other than that, I agree wholeheartedly with this ABC. People disgust me.

  19. 12th July 2010 / 10:32 am

    i know i am late but i hope i can add something of value.
    PEOPLE WHO PARK IN BAYS FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN WHO HAVE NO CHILDREN.
    I hate these people. I hate them with a vengeance.
    I had three children, a fuck of a large buggy, and a moral right to use those bays. When I saw anyone park in a parent and child bay, get out, saunter alone to the shops, I would check inside that car and assess whether they were about to collect a child, whether they indeed had a child, or whether they were using those bays because they were close to the shops.
    Then I would take one of the used nappies that I invariably had about my shit-covered person, unroll it, and stick it under the wiper.
    I serve my dishes COLD.

  20. Susie
    12th July 2010 / 11:09 am

    Loved this. Thanks for the laugh. And i cringe when my dad says later dudette.

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