I'm sure you're all lovely people with many fine qualities.
I'm sure you all donate to worthy charities, are kind to animals, and are polite to your Grandmothers.
Sadly, though, I still hate you. Not all of you. Just those of you at the school gate, at the supermarket, on the phone, in the extended family and, you know, those of you who otherwise cross my path on a bad day.
This post might give you the entirely false impression that I am a cranky or bad-tempered person. Friends, nothing could be further from the truth. Let's not forget I was prepared to overlook that unfortunate X-Factor business and chalk it up to your youthful inexperience. And I even came to terms with the fact that some of you wear Crocs. Voluntarily. In fact, I am such a tender-hearted fool that, in a gesture of generosity and open-mindedness, I'm prepared to give you all one last chance to redeem yourselves.
It's true. All you need to do is print off and sign the following Acceptable Behaviour Contract (ABC), and we can put all of this unpleasantness behind us. You know it makes sense.
[Your Name] is expected to comply with the following requests at all times. He/She is expected to do so fully, and with a good attitude. Each time that [Your Name] does not meet these very reasonable expectations, he/she will receive a de-merit mark for the day. Five de-merit marks in any 30 day period will result in all offers of friendship and/or association being withdrawn. The decision of the blogger is final.
- You will not park in disabled parking bays if you are not disabled. Your only disability is terminal laziness and that DOES NOT count.
- You will not make out in Caffe Nero. This is only acceptable if you are 13 and have the excuse of raging hormones and no credit card available to actually get a room. Otherwise, while I am obviously filled with joy at the knowledge you have a fulfilling sex life, I don't need to see it.
- If you aren't old enough to remember Kurt Cobain, don't wear a Nirvana t-shirt. Similarly, if you can't actually tell me who Che Guevara is, don't wear his face on your t-shirt either.
- I am impressed you always knew that relationship wouldn't work out. Really. But if you didn't think to mention it then, there's REALLY no need to mention it now.
- You will stop trying to convince me that queuing up outside a shop to buy an expensive consumer gadget in any way expresses your intelligence, creativity or individuality.
- You will refrain from peering in my supermarket basket and commenting on the contents. Seriously. It's just rude.
- You will understand that personal experience is not a valid basis for an entire political philosophy. Nodding sagely at the news of billion dollar cuts in funding on the basis that you stood in a queue for too long once makes me want to kick you. Repeatedly.
- You will acknowledge that I am blessed with the gift of sight, and therefore don't need you to point out what I look like. Comments such as, "Ooh, a few more grey hairs there" are spectacularly unhelpful.
- You will immediately cease using the word 'dude' in conversation. Breaching this clause of the contract will be considered gross misconduct and may be grounds for immediate disciplinary action, or age-related mockery.